A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike." The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."


QUICKIE:
What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


QUICKIE:
Q: Whats the similarity between bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute???
A: Well, they both cost about $100, they both last for around 30 seconds and in both cases if the rubber breaks, you are a dead man.


QUICKIE:
George Michael says he wants to try his hand at marriage. As you may have heard, his other hand was busy.


Sherlock Homes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Homes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are snall and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke, "Watson, you dickhead, Some C*** has stolen our tent."


A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only.
The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head. Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance. Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"
She replied, "No...puppies."


A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he hated the book!"


Morris took his wife Bessie big game hunting in Africa for the first time. He explained the basics to his wife, showed her how to shoot, and he told her the " rules " of the hunt.
Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away, or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if you want the trophy.
So they departed to their blinds, and waited for some big game. Minutes later Morris heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure Bessie went to claim her kill before another hunter did. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. Morris got between them, because the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:
When the man calmed down , he said.....
"Okay! You win lady... this is YOUR Rhino, but do you mind if I take MY saddle off your Rhino before you take it away ?!?! "


A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,eh?
The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."


Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes he did.
She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 PM. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.


The night before Christmas, a family went to sleep when they were startled awake by an explosion. They went outside and saw the outhouse in pieces with Santa in the rubble. He was shaking his fist at a sleigh encircling him in the air while he shouted, "You idiots! I said the Schmidt house!!"


**KEEPING AN EYE ON THINGS
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who the hell are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered, "Probably the ame kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus..."


A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."


Understanding Engineers - Take One:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Two:

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again, in peace.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Four:

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it do that?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it do that?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost to do that?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Five:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six:

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?", the other two chorused.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


At a works Christmas party , a couple of the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else.
When he went to the toilet they went through his wallet and found his Lotto ticket. Then they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out (you can guess that he had picked the lot - including the supplementary!), and left the numbers on the table.
The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away.
After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket, and checked the numbers again very carefully. Then he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room:
"I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cos I've just won a fucking shit-load of money, and I'm leaving...!"
End of job. End of marriage. End of story.